dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
