I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
