he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
