Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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