put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
