There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
birth control should be required to get into college
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Damn victory sex feels great
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
