So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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