went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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