It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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