Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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