He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
