I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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