My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
