your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
