I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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