dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
