I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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