There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
