We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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