My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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