I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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