I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
