Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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