I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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