my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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