I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
