I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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