I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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