Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
