My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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