what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
