it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
