hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
