There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
