your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am midnight drunk by noon
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize