I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
