I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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