apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
