I wish my penis had an off switch
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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