I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
