No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
