Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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