you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
