How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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