i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
