Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
