i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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