So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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