If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
