here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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