he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
