I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
where are my eyebrows?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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