So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
