Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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