I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
