Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
