i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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